Monday, July 05, 2004
Movie Review: X-Men Files
Whilst pondering my Mars plans, I decided to take a break and 'borrow' a dvd from a local video store. X-Men Files something something.
Oh, so now Dana Sculley "Dana Scully the Skullmeister" Skully is up to the big time! Some idiots gave her and that Fox guy some cash to star in a feature movie, and now they're too good for the common man. Well, I happen to know a secret...Dana Sculley is not that chick's real name. It is, in fact, Gillian Anderson.
How do I know? Well, I'm glad you asked.
It was a long time ago, whilst I was a naive, young fruit boy in the streets of San Diego. Oh, I would be up at dawn, distributing pre-chewed fruit to those who so desired. It was a thankless job, but at least there was no recognition. One day, I dropped a mushed banana at the feet of, yes, that red-headed siren, Gillian.
"What the hell?!?" she said, with just a touch of indignation. I simply smiled and stared longingly, and said, "You will be mine, sweet vixen."
She laughed that patronizing laugh I'll forever remember, and she walked away. Even now, the smell of bruised banana wafts through my brain as I hear that red-head's hyena cackle.
Well, she soon learned my seriousness as I made my camp, and thus made my eternal stand. For three weeks, I slept on the steps of her apartment, crooning, "Do you really want to hurt me" by that boy-genius Boy George, and lighting pyres on her front lawn with such messages as, "Join me and my sheep!", and "Spanky Rulez.”
Well, despite the 5 policeman it took to vacate me from the premises, my love burned on. It was only through several ill-fated break-ins, 4 bullets to the thorax, a restraining order and 2 years of prison time that I finally realized she wasn't for me.
Now I'm my own man, and I have some semblance of dignity. Luckily, I've learned to reach for more probable goals. Like that Natalie Portman. Now THERE is a honey of a yummy of a woman if I've ever seen one.
I recently learned that she has a summer cabin in Northern Minnesota. Having found the address through means of a highly-illegal nature, I located the cabin. I drove by it several times, but not seeing a light, I nearly drove away. Not driving away, I let myself in a basement window, and romantically placed several hundred post-its strewn across the house proclaiming my love, and promising my fidelity, not to mention the death and dismemberment to any who stand in our way. Yes, I will be Mr. Queen Amidala.
Oh, and X-men files get 2 stars.
Oh, so now Dana Sculley "Dana Scully the Skullmeister" Skully is up to the big time! Some idiots gave her and that Fox guy some cash to star in a feature movie, and now they're too good for the common man. Well, I happen to know a secret...Dana Sculley is not that chick's real name. It is, in fact, Gillian Anderson.
How do I know? Well, I'm glad you asked.
It was a long time ago, whilst I was a naive, young fruit boy in the streets of San Diego. Oh, I would be up at dawn, distributing pre-chewed fruit to those who so desired. It was a thankless job, but at least there was no recognition. One day, I dropped a mushed banana at the feet of, yes, that red-headed siren, Gillian.
"What the hell?!?" she said, with just a touch of indignation. I simply smiled and stared longingly, and said, "You will be mine, sweet vixen."
She laughed that patronizing laugh I'll forever remember, and she walked away. Even now, the smell of bruised banana wafts through my brain as I hear that red-head's hyena cackle.
Well, she soon learned my seriousness as I made my camp, and thus made my eternal stand. For three weeks, I slept on the steps of her apartment, crooning, "Do you really want to hurt me" by that boy-genius Boy George, and lighting pyres on her front lawn with such messages as, "Join me and my sheep!", and "Spanky Rulez.”
Well, despite the 5 policeman it took to vacate me from the premises, my love burned on. It was only through several ill-fated break-ins, 4 bullets to the thorax, a restraining order and 2 years of prison time that I finally realized she wasn't for me.
Now I'm my own man, and I have some semblance of dignity. Luckily, I've learned to reach for more probable goals. Like that Natalie Portman. Now THERE is a honey of a yummy of a woman if I've ever seen one.
I recently learned that she has a summer cabin in Northern Minnesota. Having found the address through means of a highly-illegal nature, I located the cabin. I drove by it several times, but not seeing a light, I nearly drove away. Not driving away, I let myself in a basement window, and romantically placed several hundred post-its strewn across the house proclaiming my love, and promising my fidelity, not to mention the death and dismemberment to any who stand in our way. Yes, I will be Mr. Queen Amidala.
Oh, and X-men files get 2 stars.
