Sunday, July 11, 2004
Forced to watch Magnolias...
I Stole another movie from the loser video rental place in town. Snooky is on another bourbon bender, thus I’ve found ‘tis better to leave her until she sleeps it off. More of Snooky’s embarrassing antics can be found at http://www.sendbobtomars.com. Anyway, I got that movie “Magnolias.”
The hype alone made me want to see “Magnolias”. I, as part of the elite movie-viewing public, have finally accepted the fact that if a movie is promoted enough on TV, radio, newspapers, web, graffiti, blogs and shaved in sheep (my personal favorite), we have no choice but to fork over our hard-earned allowance money and see the film. Magnolias is such a movie. Oh, I’ve seen the hype…and all I can say is: FRAUDULENT!
The trailer features such prominent actors as Tom Cruise and some guy in a hospital, and…er, that guy with the big nose. But when I finally inserted the movie into my Betamax, it was nothing but chicks! Julia Roberts, Dolly Parton, Darryl Hannah, Shirley MacClaine, and that chick with the huge nose. Oh…and that tiny, whiny brunette from “Smokey and the Bandit.”
I forced myself to watch it, and the sheer boredom made me want to gouge out my eyes with sheep hoofs. The plot consists of a bunch of women sitting around some hair salon talking about picnics and rotten husbands until finally Julia Roberts gets so frustrated with it all that she has a seizure and dies, and then everybody laughs and has a picnic and an Easter bunny drives up on a motorcycle and drives somebody somewhere.
But…you know, “chick flicks” aren’t all bad, if you sit and think about it, which I do frequently. Julia Roberts, for instance. Oh, sure she may have a mouth like a horse and a laugh like a hyena on crack, but she’s rich and female, which pretty much satisfies all three of my requirements for eternal love and happiness.
Then I got to thinking…I’ve never had much luck with girls. No, they don’t seem to have much time for a simple, sensitive, intelligent, sheep-loving guy with a bit of a gut, a few oozing, open sores, a penchant for booze and scratching and perhaps collecting the occasional roadkill carcass for his kick-ass “Dead Zoo” in his parent’s basement where he still lives.
But Julia, I think, would be different. We would traipse about the daisies, singing little happy-like songs and running naked into each other’s arms. I can already hear her singing, “Beer Barrel Polka” whilst I am tickled under the chin by a brutish German midget. Sure, some might call that some silly pipe-dream, but we have to reach for the stars, damn it! As President Eisenhower once said, “If you don’t reach for the stars, don’t drag your welfare-soaking ass to Illinois or I’ll put the smackdown on yo ass.”
Oh, and another thing, these idiot producers need to finalize a name. “OOOOooh, oh, I like “Magnolia!” “No, no, no, I like Steel Magnolias!” How is a young Jewish sheep friend who has a thing for Gary Coleman supposed to keep his Magnolia movies straight? At least I didn’t pay for it. Anyway, 2 out of a lot of stars for “Magnolia.”
The hype alone made me want to see “Magnolias”. I, as part of the elite movie-viewing public, have finally accepted the fact that if a movie is promoted enough on TV, radio, newspapers, web, graffiti, blogs and shaved in sheep (my personal favorite), we have no choice but to fork over our hard-earned allowance money and see the film. Magnolias is such a movie. Oh, I’ve seen the hype…and all I can say is: FRAUDULENT!
The trailer features such prominent actors as Tom Cruise and some guy in a hospital, and…er, that guy with the big nose. But when I finally inserted the movie into my Betamax, it was nothing but chicks! Julia Roberts, Dolly Parton, Darryl Hannah, Shirley MacClaine, and that chick with the huge nose. Oh…and that tiny, whiny brunette from “Smokey and the Bandit.”
I forced myself to watch it, and the sheer boredom made me want to gouge out my eyes with sheep hoofs. The plot consists of a bunch of women sitting around some hair salon talking about picnics and rotten husbands until finally Julia Roberts gets so frustrated with it all that she has a seizure and dies, and then everybody laughs and has a picnic and an Easter bunny drives up on a motorcycle and drives somebody somewhere.
But…you know, “chick flicks” aren’t all bad, if you sit and think about it, which I do frequently. Julia Roberts, for instance. Oh, sure she may have a mouth like a horse and a laugh like a hyena on crack, but she’s rich and female, which pretty much satisfies all three of my requirements for eternal love and happiness.
Then I got to thinking…I’ve never had much luck with girls. No, they don’t seem to have much time for a simple, sensitive, intelligent, sheep-loving guy with a bit of a gut, a few oozing, open sores, a penchant for booze and scratching and perhaps collecting the occasional roadkill carcass for his kick-ass “Dead Zoo” in his parent’s basement where he still lives.
But Julia, I think, would be different. We would traipse about the daisies, singing little happy-like songs and running naked into each other’s arms. I can already hear her singing, “Beer Barrel Polka” whilst I am tickled under the chin by a brutish German midget. Sure, some might call that some silly pipe-dream, but we have to reach for the stars, damn it! As President Eisenhower once said, “If you don’t reach for the stars, don’t drag your welfare-soaking ass to Illinois or I’ll put the smackdown on yo ass.”
Oh, and another thing, these idiot producers need to finalize a name. “OOOOooh, oh, I like “Magnolia!” “No, no, no, I like Steel Magnolias!” How is a young Jewish sheep friend who has a thing for Gary Coleman supposed to keep his Magnolia movies straight? At least I didn’t pay for it. Anyway, 2 out of a lot of stars for “Magnolia.”
